Couples break up for many reasons. Relationship pundits often attribute breakups to money, sex, in-laws, children, and other normal life stresses. But those are not the reasons why couples break up.
All those seemingly disparate problems boil down to three underlying reasons. So, why do couples break up? This is when the attraction is strongest and the relationship has time to form.
After the honeymoon, the real relationship sets in. When the real relationship sets in, many couples:. Usually, this means that couples have not found a way to diffuse conflict, solve problems, accept their differences, and continue to be as kind and generous as when they first met. Sometimes couples separate or divorce at this stage. Most couples start out highly satisfied. At some point, however, they start to take each other for granted and stop paying attention to one another.
Below, read on to learn expert tips on the best ways to break up with someone you've dated for a long time. Once you're certain that you're ready to have the talk, it's important to prepare yourself for the breakup.
You might be concerned about your partner's reaction, or how changing the face of your daily routine will affect your mental health. It's normal to worry about how ending a relationship will take a toll on your life.
Those unpleasant steps might seem impossible at first, but with a little preparation, you can do a lot to make the transition easier for both people. Start by thinking about what you need to say—and how you'll say it—to get an idea of how the conversation should go.
You'll also want to choose a time and place that's conducive to an honest, serious conversation for example, approaching this talk over a brunch date may not be the best idea. No matter how nervous you are, breaking up with a long-term partner is likely best in person; ending an important time in your lives can hurt worse if it's done over a phone call or text.
As hard as the truth might be, you'll be helping the other person understand by giving context about why the relationship is no longer working for you. When you're preparing for the conversation, think of a few ways to break the news that explain your reasoning in a gentle way. Instead, you want to be as calm as you can, be clear, [and] give a reason that you can state in one or two sentences. Breakups are already tough, so take care not to make it come across in ways that hurt worse than it has to.
Consider how you'd feel in their situation: You'd probably expect honesty and kindness from your S. Decide in advance to whom and what you want to share [while considering] those outside your intimate circle," says Taibbi. After the dust has settled, it's a good time to determine how you'll exchange your things. Consider "ripping off the Band-Aid" to get past the worst of it. By removing these reminders from your lives, you'll both be able to leave the pain in the past sooner.
You can choose a method that works for you. If it helps you move on, you might decide to leave each other's things with a mutual friend or send them in the mail.
But only those 30 seconds. Expert opinion: Larson put this impulse in the context of both evolutionary biology and identity reassertion. In light of the research, it makes sense that you would try really broadcast this new, strong identity. Immediately following a breakup, this quality was poison. I was thrilled to be able to show off my new life and my happiness, but a single update from my ex would leave me devastated and confused and missing everything about him. The day he started posting pictures of himself with other women, I spent the afternoon feeling ill, angry, and betrayed.
So rather than give up my social media accounts and the small comfort they brought me, I blocked him. I blocked his snaps and his Instagram feed. I blocked him on Facebook. I deleted his email address from my address book. The blocking was a very wise move. Not only did it stop me from seeing any potentially heart-wrenching posts, but it also kept me from posting unnecessary fluff, to make my life look exciting and rewarding on the off chance that my ex decided to look at my profiles. My life is exciting and rewarding, and not feeling the need to prove it helped me to actually participate in and enjoy it.
Downsides: Not being able to see what your ex is up to is actually really challenging. But I promise it helps in the long run. The pain of not knowing hurts much less than the pain of constantly obsessing — trust me. Expert opinion: When I spoke to Larson about this habit, she referenced the work of Leah LeFebvre, a professor at the University of Wyoming who studies dating and relationships. This was the scariest part of my post-breakup revolution. I vowed not to have a serious partner for at least a year after Tom and I broke up.
However, he was the last person I had kissed. The last person I had shared a bed with. The last person who had played with my hair and warmed my always, always cold toes. When I thought of intimacy and flirtation, I immediately thought of him. It made the concept of dating an absolute nightmare, which is precisely why I re downloaded Tinder and started talking to new people.
At first, I felt cheap and guilty, as though I were betraying my ex or making false promises to these new matches. But after a few weeks, I met some wonderful people. I went for coffee and out to lunch, and got to know men and women who were brilliant, accomplished, ambitious, affectionate, warm, whose company reminded me that I myself was bright, charming, and desirable.
These people treated me like I was exciting, and so I felt exciting. Downsides: You will feel guilty. You will feel confused. You will feel unsure of yourself. You might feel dirty, or ashamed, or cheap. You might feel dishonest.
Dating again after a breakup, especially soon after a breakup, is not for everyone. Having sex with someone new after a breakup, especially soon after a breakup, is not for everyone. Listen to your body and your instincts. If you feel gross or uncomfortable during a date, it is okay to cut that date short, go home, get in the bath, and listen to Josh Groban until you feel cozy again. Expert opinion: St. The breakup might have hurt my heart, but it helped solidify my career and my professional goals.
I have been motivated to study for graduate and law school entrance exams. I have been able to dedicate myself to my work, with no distractions.
I accepted a new job with a better title, and transitioned back into a field of work that I am passionate about, gender-based violence prevention. At 22 years old, I gave my first lecture to university students, on sex trafficking and wartime sexual violence as human rights abuses.
I have joined the Toastmasters public speaking group, improved my rhetorical skills, and explored opportunities in political journalism. In short, I have achieved, in spite of — and because of — the heartbreak.
I have learned never to underestimate the power of a woman in love, or the power of a woman recently out of it. These were the steps I chose in order to feel most empowered and soothed during my heartbreak. This is not to say that I am completely over it. Katie Bogen is a clinical research program coordinator at Rhode Island Hospital.
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Reddit Pocket Flipboard Email. Boutwell says yes. Katie Bogen In addition to the yoga practice, I joined a gym close to my home and started attending group workout classes. Downsides: There are no downsides here! Next Up In First Person. Delivered Fridays. Thanks for signing up! Check your inbox for a welcome email.
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